Emotional

Today, as always, or so it has been these past few days, hanging around certain people has made me more so emotional than happy.  I mean sure I laugh and smile genuinely, because whatever was said was funny, but every time I do, it feels like I shouldn't be there, like and it all feels like a I'm putting on a show. I laugh and smile for my benefit, but also for their benefit, I don't want to stick out more than I already do. I don't want to seem like the girl who is distancing herself again, I've done that so many times already, and as my friend said, it hasn't worked any of the times I did it, for goodness sakes, even a liar was given more chances and more attention than me! It sounds harsh and petty of me, but come on, you can't honestly blame me for feeling left out when I used to be super happy and now I'm the complete opposite yet no one noticed. It also sucks that I considered so many people as my best friends, but not one person ever considered me as their best friend. I was never someone's destination, I was always someone's stop along the way. Sorry ate ghie, I really didn't want this to be a sad post, but I just can't keep it in anymore. I hate myself for being so petty, for my problem being so shallow, I know other people out there are fighting for their lives, and they have more reasons to be complaining, but I just can't do it anymore. I can't be that girl who is always happy anymore. I can't even be the girl who learns anything from this, not yet, and who knows if I ever really will learn anything from this. I really hope that I can just move on from this stage, I don't want to keep repeating this stage in my life, I just want to meet someone who genuinely wants to be a part of my life, not someone who just is because of acquaintances. There are so many things I want to say, but I can't, I just can't say any of them because I'm terrified, I'm terrified that you will stop being my friend so easily as you stopped being friends with her. Knowing you, it would be really easy to forget me, you have your best friends by your side now, you don't need me, not at all. For you, its so easy to accept that your best friend got tired of trying so hard, but its hard for you to think that I got tired of trying to be your best friend, its hard for you to think that I even tried so hard, you never realized it because I was never "your person."  I can't even really tell you how scared I am because you'll just think I'm like that girl who was obsessed with your best friend now, I understand her, I really do, she just wanted so badly to hold onto who she thought was her best friend, she only did it in a way that made her seem unstable.