Looking Back

People say self-judgement is always healthy to do every once in a while. To say that this year had its rough moments would be an understatement. To say that this year was a complete disappointment would be wrong, I had moments of true happiness and moments of sadness, though sadness seemed to be the greater emotion that I felt. I lost the feeling of having a best friend, but in the end I kind of got it back, I stressed over not being a good enough friend and person(since I didn't feel like I had friends that truly liked me for me.) A lot of times throughout the year I felt like the few friends I have are only friends with me because they are forced to be around me. At some points I even thought about asking someone to introduce me to his friends, to see how I would be with a different set of people, but I didn't get that desperate, and I have a lot of pride. The guy might just think I like him a lot more than I do. :) 
I definitely had a lot of petty phases, a lot around the end of the year. I always complained and let people hurt me so easily. I need to learn how to appreciate things more. I complained about losing days of my break to babysitting, but while babysitting,I was smiling almost the whole time. The only time I kept over thinking things was when I got too tired or when I really wanted to just fall asleep straight but couldn't because Lex was crying or because Cyris was kicking me. Those moments were when I kept thinking that I didn't deserve to be doing anything over break, those were the moments where I was proud of myself for not being a teenage mom and not having to put up with it everyday, but they were also the same moments when I kept thinking that babysitting was not something I honestly wanted to do or should have had to do because the babies are not my responsibility. Of course that really shouldn't be what I think, I should always think of the moments the kids give me to smile. They really are my responsibility too. If that was the way everyone thought of things, then I myself would not have turned out the way I am. I am who I am thanks to my sisters and my aunts, aunts who were very patient with me. One aunt I showed absolutely no appreciation up until only recently, a few years ago, when I realized how much she has done for me and that I don't have to be scared of her anymore, she's no longer the authoritative figure :)
      I also need to learn how to focus better, I couldn't even go through this whole post without stopping and getting really distracted. Sad, really, how I function in school, I don't know. Oh right, I look at the clock the whole time and play with my hair, or in APES, I try my hardest to catch up to her speedy presentations and in Calc, I just stare at the numbers waiting for them to make sense in my head, too bad it never happens.
       Speaking of school, I got accepted into two schools! :) three if Camden County College really counts(I was accepted right away, they don't really reject anyone). Albright is my first choice, if money wasn't a problem, (why can't my dad win the lotto yet?) Rider is already a no, since their offer isn't as high as Albright's offer, and because I didn't really like the campus when I went. I can't wait to go to college, but I don't want to leave the safety high school provides me with, in college, failing (getting a C or lower) is not an option, classes are no longer free...Not to mention no more free passes. Everything is going to depend on how hard I am willing to work, and I will surely be distracted by a lot of things. I will gain a lot of things too though :) I will gain the feeling of independence, not have to babysit anymore when I would rather not(Albright is two hours away), having break between classes,(one that isn't only four minutes)more opportunities, new friends(hopefully, otherwise it will be the worst four years of my life), and Knowledge! :) 
I've been told that I also made people's days, by talking to them and just listening to them, but they themselves make my year. They gave me a chance to gain better perspective. Not to mention the fact that they just let me run my mouth (in a positive way, for me, it might have just been an earache for the other person). I know a lot of people get annoyed after a certain time of hearing me talk, sorry, and trust me, I see the looks in your faces, you're obviously indifferent about anything I have to say. 
      This is really long, if you have honestly read through the entire thing, wow, thank you :)If you really want more, read my past posts, they explain better the feelings and emotions I went through this year. Long story short, I lost some but gained some this year, all for the best, hopefully. If its meant to be, it will happen, right? :)
       Happy New Year! :)


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