Overload of feelings

I kind of wanted to see you today, I guess it's because it has just been way too long since I talked to you, and even longer since I've actually seen you. I still remember my birthday, it's really not that usual for me to remember things so well, but with him there were definite moments that I can just try to remember so much easier. It must be the fact that I just happen to love it when people feel comfortable enough to tell me things they wouldn't usually tell others, but those moments that day really are just so vivid, I think, anyway. Then there were those moments where I felt so close to him that it seemed almost like I was a character in a book, as cliche as that is. Even the moments when he was so not chivalrous can still make me smile now. Those mall doors are so heavy, but it's because of them that I got to have that moment, the moment that isn't exactly the best memory I have now. A memory that I don't want to let myself think of because I chose to stop talking to you. If it wasn't for my sister sitting in front of me, I'd literally be that girl who sits in front of her computer crying, or at least just tears streaming down (yeah, I know, I'm dramatic). I literally had to stop myself from typing and remembering my beloved birthday. at least not until I'm alone again....I started this post so much earlier, but I just couldn't finish it. Now its almost 3 a.m.
I just have so much emotions, but I wouldn't mind redoing that day the way it turned out. I definitely wouldn't mind changing a few things here and there, but if I had to relive it exactly the way it was, I wouldn't mind. I can't say that if I had the chance to redo it that I wouldn't want to change anything, I may like cliches, but I don't always think in cliches. I know people often say that they wouldn't change a thing, or they would willingly do things again and again, but I just can't. I guess that's just the pessimist in me,but obviously I treasure the great moments as well.
I woke up pretty early that day, not knowing when my day was going to start, all I knew was that it was going to end with me and Maria, but Nick and I didn't really have a chance to plan things out prior to that day. If only I had known about the Soccer game that was on, I wouldn't have let myself get so excited so early in the morning. I wouldn't have gotten into that fight with my mom if I had just kept sleeping, I wouldn't have looked so made up either. The knowledge that I was going to be waiting for a soccer game would have probably made me not want to go though. Not only was he only willing to be with me until 5, the game didn't end until 3. I know 2 hrs. is a lot, but it was just so short...it was just so typical. so like our relationship. just something in the middle of things he has that are more important. soccer before hanging out with me, and hanging out with his other friends after. I guess what hurts the most about the last part is that I may be the one he knows far longer, but I'm the one who gets 2 hrs. where they get 5 hrs with him, and of course, Jess is part of that entourage. I've always known where I was in his list of priorities, but it just hurt more then and now because he couldn't make an exception. It was always me who had to try to make exceptions. The worst part has to be that I can't even really and I shouldn't really have these feelings. I am nothing to him, but he really actually means a lot to me.


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