Alopecia Areata

I really don't want to lose anymore hair...and I know that I should have total complete control since it is my body but I don't. It seems as if there is nothing I can do to stop it... I can only cry my heart out, I can't even find a friend to tell. I hate being this pathetic teenage girl who cannot do anything but cry. I hate being helpless but what can I do? Even my family hates me...always being compared to my cousins never seeming to be good enough in anything I do or it's always wrong. I used to be so excited for that one moment when finally the lights are on me, the time I finally do something right but now I can only sit and watch as everyone takes their time in the limelight I can only sit and watch as they take their awards, awards which i have never known existed. Awards only they have achieved in the family. I'm that worthless idiot in the family, the one who doesn't amount to anything. The one who has never won any awards that are worth the praise. The one who makes the wrong decisions everytime. Realizing things way too late, that day that I refused to go to my grandma's house was the biggest mistake I have ever done in my life. Not getting to know my grandma has never been that great of a deal for me, she has so much grandchildren she would never notice that I was missing, but I was wrong, she knew and kept track of who wasn't seeing her. Noone paid any attention to her when she said that this was the year that she was going to die, she looked so healthy for a person her age, so I also didn't think her time was running out. I only thought of myself that summer day and how much fun I was supposed to have with my friend. I thought of how unfair it was, while my aunt and her family vacationed in Las Vegas, I was going to be stuck with my grandparents. Being the teenager I am, I thought of wanting to have fun more, it turns out that summer I didn't even do anything that memorable, except lose the time I could have spent with my grandma. My life was already in shambles so I thought why not try to make the best of it, I already lost a lot of hair and I knew that I would continue to do so as long as I thought too much, and I thought that if I stayed with my grandparents, that would be all I would do. No wonder when the time came and we were all mourning for her, no one bothered to ask me how I felt or if I needed a shoulder to cry on. Everyone knew I wasn't the favorite so I guess everyone just assumed that losing her wasn't all that much to me, but she is the only grandma I ever had, and it isn't like I am not human, I do have feelings after all. Everytime I think of her I wish that I would have taken that opportunity, to get to know her. Now it's too late. I am beginning to lose everything, no one wants me anymore. Why is it that when I'm already in the bottom, it is like nothing can ever be good for me, like my life will just continue to spiral out of control, I want to see the most amazing things in life, I want to be able to feel them to. Aren't the best things in life supposed to be free, how come it seems like I need a ticket for it, a ticket that seems to be too far away for me to grasp. Why can't I just find happiness in my life? Why must I be pushed to the bottom so much?... I don't think I do that much wrong things in my life, and believe me I don't seem to be learning any lessons, I'm still the vulnerable child I was when I was five. I still cry when my feelings are attacked, I still laugh and get mad mad when I am happy or provoked. I'm still the same person but why does it feel like everyone doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I know that when I do something wrong, it's my fault, there is no need for you to rub it in my face, when I am crying there is no need for you to keep telling me its my fault I already know it.


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